Hear Through the Noise

Life is always teaching. The question is “Are we always listening?” Or even “Do we ever listen?” It’s tough, you know. To hear what Life is trying to tell us, to listen through the noise and chaos of our existence. But if we can find an inner stillness, we will hear exactly what we need to hear. Whether it be encouragement or a rebuke, the right words are always there. Sometimes whispering. Sometimes thundering. I wish Life would thunder at me every time it spoke because I am often thick-headed and don’t hear. Something I need to work on.

I heard today. Just a whisper, but I heard it. I find that happening more and more often of late. As always, it was exactly the words I needed to hear. “Just breathe. You can do this. You are more than dynamite and fuse. Don’t react in anger. Breathe.” It was pretty cool. And I was pleased with myself that I heard it this time. There was a day when I never heard what Life was trying to say to me. I feel like I have grown and matured that I can now hear. Even through the noise of this world and the tumble of my own thoughts.

I call it Life, but I don’t really know who or what is speaking these words to me. Sometimes pointing out that I screwed up, sometimes making an observation about someone else, sometimes nudging me to say or do a kindness, sometimes reminding me of things that I already know. Perhaps it is God, or my own conscience, or maybe I’ve just finally found the good sense I always lacked. If I believed in ghosts, I’d probably think it was my mother saying these things to me. Perhaps it is the memory of her and the desire to live up to her belief in me that has finally made me sensitive to these words. They do sometimes come in her voice. Or perhaps it just means I am crazy and the men in white jackets are going to come take me away. As long as they are making me a better person, I don’t mind having voices in my head.hear through the noise

Life, Loss, and Love

lifeSometimes it feels like life don’t fight fair. But when life knocks me down, I have to pick myself up and remember one thing: life’s not a fight, it’s a journey. And while there may be a few fights and struggles along the way, that’s not the point. The point is how we react and grow and develop. And that’s the hard part. It would be so much easier to shake my fist at Heaven and scream out “Why?!?!?!” Or to roll up in a ball in the corner and cry. But you know what? Life goes on, regardless of what I’m going through.

Not quite a week ago, my Mama went home to be with Jesus. We are all devastated of course. She was far too young to be taken from us so soon. I’m still a bit shell-shocked. I’m especially concerned for Daddy and for my baby sister. It’s really, really rough. Even though we knew it would come eventually and even though she had been sick for a while, her death has hit us all really hard. Continuing with the mundane things of everyday life is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever attempted. But it’s what she would want, so that’s what I’m gonna do.

I have no regrets for the past. I was blessed to have the world’s most wonderful mama. And I really did have a beautiful relationship with her, especially the past few years. I have many, many sweet memories to cherish. The only regrets I have are for the future. That I will never kiss her good night again. That she won’t attend my wedding or hold my children. That she won’t be there to give me parenting advice or say, “See, I told you that you would understand once you had kids of your own.” That I will never again be able to say, “Let’s go to Mama’s house.” I regret the many more years we should have had together. And yet, it’s not all sorrow. It is tempered with the peace of knowing that she’s in Heaven, but her spirit is also still here with us. And in a way, she will always be with me.